More Blah Blah Blah

I miss you. You know who I mean. Even if you aren't actually reading this, and I'm sure you aren't. I love you. After all that's happened, you still remain the number one priority of my heart. Although you love me, there's something in you that doesn't want us to be together. After all that was said, all that was exchanged about being soul mates, about being perfect for one another. All that was exchanged about always being there for one another, always loving each other, always wanting to make the other perfectly happy.

"If it all fell apart, I'd know deep in my heart, that the only thing that mattered had come true... In this life, I was loved by you."

It's odd how a statement like that can be so true and yet so wrong at the same time. Truth is that there is no one in this world who is good enough to deserve your love. You're a special being. A magical soul. I hate that you never saw that in your self. That even now you fight to believe that you are as special as you really are. That you believe you are the average Joe, when you are the equivalent in pureness of an Angel. All the love you gave me will never be forgotten. A love I never deserved. You are the most soothing and intoxicating soul I have ever come across.

That all aside, the statement doesn't seem to account for one thing. The pain. I truly do love you so much and want to see you perfectly happy, no matter the cause to my self. But standing by, idly, just watching you slip further and further away. Knowing I'll most likely never even get to meet you. Knowing I'll never get to know your touch, your smell, your... taste. When you mean as much to me as you do, and I did nothing wrong in allowing my self to feel this love. Being scared of what might happen if I did. Knowing how I always felt this way for you. Finally opening up just when my guard was down. Finally accepting how much I love you, Just when I thought nothing could tear us apart. That there was no way we'd ever be parted.

Then it all went downhill.

Although you'll never read this. I just want you to know that I love you. I always have. I know I've told you a kazillion times. It's too bad I never got to tell you face to face. I will always love you in ways most people can't even begin to imagine. And while every day that passes hurts and I become better and better at faking my feelings, I stay hoping that you are happy. That wherever you are, whatever you're doing, whoever you may be with... that you are safe, and happy.

You have my heart with you. Whether you acknowledge it or not. You always will. Be free to continue your life and find joys and happiness in your path. But for me, No one will ever take your place. People like to talk sometimes about things as if they are a million percent sure. Well about this, I am. I don't want anyone else. If I can't have you, then I won't have anyone. I love you too much. I'm not just madly in love or having trouble letting go. The truth is that I can't. You ARE my soulmate, my other half. The only difference with this part of the fairy tale is that a fairy tale isn't real life. True love doesn't seem to want to prevail the way it does in stories. It will always be there for us, but it doesn't seem like it necessarily means that there will be a happy ending.

I believe I am the one person who can treat you perfectly. Who can make you smile and bring you an endless joy... the way you do for me.

The mere thought of you stands up the hair on my arms. I can't get over the fact that I may never get to know you. To be with you.

But...

I do hope you find happiness. Even if I lose you in the process. I won't understand why I'm forced to feel this pain when I'm doing my best to accept things. It only further enforces my belief that maybe one day I'll have you back. Or else it just means that life sucks, and is severely unfair. But as long as you are happy, my love, I'll continue to fight... To do my best to be as strong as I can be for those around me.

I hate to quote my self on something I've said an innumerable amount of times, but I will always be here for you, no matter what. I love you. My sweet, sweet love. My world. My all. Perhaps we will be together. If not in this life, then who knows, maybe that whole past life, nother life thing actually happens. And maybe we've already been lovers. Maybe this was just an unlucky bump in our eternity together. Maybe in a future life you will be mine again.

Take care of your self, my love.
Always and Forever yours, and only yours.