What If...

I was thinking... that's all I do. It never stops; and I wondered What if I made a list of all the what if's that I play out in my head every day. Day after day.

What if we had met face to face and not online?
What if you lived here and we lived our lives in an integrated manner, where we know where the other is going and know at the end of the day we'll be home with each other.
What if I lived there and could see you as much as I wished.
What if I had gotten to kiss your lips...
What if we actually had the opportunity to... go further than kissing... would it go anywhere.
What if I had told everybody I love you right off the bat.
What if  I wasn't so scared of hurting you from the very beginning and just accepted how much I need you.
What if you had agreed to marry me.
What if you would spend the rest of your life with me, til the day one of us dies.
What if you would be the mother of my children.
What if I had gotten the opportunity to feel you close.
What if I had never hurt you like I did... unintentionally while only trying to protect you.
What if I just let my self tell you what you really mean to me.
What if we lived together in a little apartment together. Just you and me.
What if we were freshly married and perfectly happy.
What if I could watch you sleep by my side at night.
What if I had the opportunity to smell your perfume face to face.
What if I could continue to tell you how much I love you every single day like I used to.
What if I could finally convince you of how beautiful you really are.
What if I could really show you how sexy you are to me; without disrespecting you of course.
What if I could feel hold you close against me; feel your hair on my face; smell your perfume; feel your touch; hold you closer than close.
What if you had gotten the chance to surprise me and visit here like you planned.
What if we could sit  on a bench together, an old couple, still as in love as ever.
What if we could watch our children playing together.
What if on my bus rides where I sit there thinking of you, you were there with me, and I could stare into your eyes, and kiss your lips, and say "screw you" to people who complain about Public Display of Affection. It bothers me, but not if I'd be the one displaying ;).
What if I could hold you... have I already used this one?
What if we weren't scared of us and just told the world that we'd make it no matter what.
What if I could tell everyone and even everything, that I was engaged to you, that one day youd be my beautiful bride, and eventually my wife.
What if we had never lost us.
What if we were still together, and still more adamant about making it to the end with each other.
What if love prevails in the end; what if I was lucky enough to be with you forever.
What if regardless of complications we were just together.
What if I had the chance to meet you.
What if I had more time to write more what if's... will add more later.


These thoughts that cycle over and over in my head day in and day out, and that only being the tip of the iceberg... gotta edit later...