Why...

Why does emotional pain attack the heart? Why can't it just give me a major headache. Or just take one of my arms, or a leg. 3:30 AM and what a surprise... thinking of you.

Almost out of meds so trying to stretch it out... make it last. Didn't take em tonight, so now I'm up at 3:30 AM, crying. Funny thing is that the tears are just draining out, as if I just yawned. I feel the pain, but the tears seem to come out on their own like they know it's expected of them to do. Usually crying involves having a reason, a sadness, but this time they just seem to be coming just cause it's what they are supposed to do...

Whatever...

Laying here in bed... longing for you like a bad romantic fairy tale. For your voice, for your laugh, for your smile, for your attention, for your approval of "us". Wishing you would see that if we were once again "us" that nothing would change it no matter what. That I would promise you to make you mine always and always be yours. That I'd appreciate you for the beautiful creature you are each and every day. And if I could I'd kiss those lips every chance I got. I just want to hold your hand, and watch the people pass by. People... I suppose I should say the blurs.... the way you make everything around me feel imaginary. How when my focus is on you everything else literally fades away... and all I feel in existence is you and me. I wonder if you even really know how damn much I love you. If you ever believed it truly. I can't stop wanting you. It hurts. The emotional pain of it all hurts so much that it causes physical pain towards my heart... that's gotta mean something...

But I'll continue to let you live your life. As long as you are happy, I'm happy... as can be I suppose. I wish I could make you promise me that you'd live a pure and clean and happy and perfectly wonderfully blissfully happy life. One I know I could give you. But I don't even have that luxury... of knowing where you'll end up. I know you're capable of making it somewhere good. Just make sure whoever you take with you is capable of appreciating everything that you are to the fullest. Considering I literally care more about you in every scenario than I do my self, I could say that I would. I'd sacrifice it all to make you eternally happy.

I really miss you... longing for you... and... desiring you... doesn't really help the cause either.
Too bad those words are probably too graphic for this blog... and too personal... too bad... I'd like to be able to express them out in the open. Preferably to you, but that's out of the question... obviously.

I think of you every moment of every day. Literally. If I'm lying, may I die right this moment. No exaggerating, no lying. Literally every moment of every day... I wish if you could see that that it would mean something to you... that it would influence you positively. I don't know. I love you, and I love you, and have I mentioned that I love you?

Love is ethereal, and ours is so immense. It would be enough to keep us together for lifetimes to come. There may be other factors in a relationship... but what we share for each other... what we are to each other... is more than enough to be our glue. I know that you know that... or at least you did... Which is why I just don't understand why you don't let that be true...

I'm rambling... I love you beyond words, beyond being able to fully express how much I love you. Just know that.

Good Night.